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hey this is Leo for actualised org and this episode is my al Ladd trip report an amazing new psychedelic tool or consciousness work warning misusing psychedelics can be dangerous and even lethal the legality of these substances vary by country the information provided here is for educational purposes only you agree to take 100% responsibility for any physical mental or legal consequences which may result from applying this information well I am continuing my psychedelic research my journey is not over and what I have stumbled upon is an amazing new tool that I want to share with you it really is the perfect companion to five Meo DMT which I've talked about in the past and I've raved about well let me rave a little bit about Al Ladd and I'm going to tell you about my experiences with it and also some of the profound implications it can have for you if you are really interested in getting to the bottom of truth what reality is and you are a serious student of consciousness work so why do I say that al ad is the perfect companion to 5mu well five Meo is extremely extremely fast-acting and powerful this is both its strength and its weakness it's strong and that'll take you straight to the absolute truth of everything but also its weakness is that it's so fast acting and it's so powerful that you're going to be afraid to use it and you know it's sort of like a nuclear weapon when you detonate a nuclear weapon it has it does a lot of damage very quickly but then how do you gather up the pieces how do you then build up your everyday life around that that's a tricky thing so you can experience something amazing during a psychedelic trip but then when you come back into everyday reality did it really change you that's the important question and certainly fight Emil has the potential to change you a lot but also what I was looking for in my research is a smaller tool right I don't always need a sledgehammer sometimes I need like a precision screwdriver and that's what I found with al lat it's longer much much longer than five Meo its prolonged it's also very mellow and easy to handle and yet it's still very profound and unlike mushrooms which I've also experimented with the problem with mushrooms that they're very twisted and sort of muddy and you have some amazing insights there for sure you can I have them but also they're so distorted that again it's really difficult to put it into the context that we're interested in here which is personal development and growing your consciousness right that's really the most valuable tool that I could find is what are the tools that can really help me to change the quality of my consciousness in everyday life not just during a couple hour trip now I'm going to tell you a lot about my trip with a lot of details and insights and so forth and then I'll tell you some pointers for how you can use this for yourself if you're interested in growing in consciousness but first a few notes let me just be very clear here that I'm talking about psychedelics in the context of personal development and consciousness work I am really not interested in drug use for pleasure or recreational reasons it doesn't interest me at all pleasure does not interest me at all I don't care about pleasure and I don't care about having a fun time I do not use chemicals or substances for those purposes I don't even drink coffee or alcohol recreationally or maybe you drink coffee for performance enhancement at work I don't do that okay because if I'm going to be using a chemical substance I want to make sure that I don't use it as a crutch and that's what we come to brah with alcohol with chronic use of marijuana with even with coffee even with regular toffee you're using it as a crutch what I'm talking about here something very different I'm talking about a shamanic usage of these substances and this is something I want to talk more about into the future because there's something really deep that you find when you study shamanism and you study various traditions from the past which go back thousands and thousands and thousands of years that human beings in every continent across the entire globe have been doing this is they have been using psychoactive plants to transform their understanding of reality and their consciousness and to develop themselves to the highest levels and for example the works of Carlos Castaneda are really marvelous here I've been reading and going deeper into Carlos Castaneda is work because I've been now experimenting with psychedelics myself so now that puts his work into a different light and there's a lot of lessons that you really learn from Don Juan which is the character in Carlos caseinate his work who is the teacher who teaches the wisdom of how to use these plants and the philosophy he has behind him right he has a serious intent he's not [ __ ] around he's not using these things as toys this is serious stuff and it's not always pleasant stuff it requires a genuine intention to want to grow your consciousness see so I'll be talking a little bit about that as I keep going here with my trip report but really I should probably do a whole episode on on shamanism at some point it's really interesting to study so al-lat what I did on Monday afternoon is I quickly did long lectures to get out of the way because I knew that this experience would basically take up my entire day and then what I did is I sat down for an hour I meditated and then I spent 20 minutes setting my intentions for the trip and my intention for in this case I was very serious about setting the intentions that I wanted to be growing my consciousness in the specific way that I want to be growing it it's a little bit difficult to articulate but at this point when I set intentions when I visualize when I do affirmations any of this kind of stuff I'm pretty precise about what I want to get I look at the things that I need I look at the things that I know I need to develop in myself the things that are weaknesses within me and then those are the things where I set my intentions before I go into the trip and this makes a world of difference between people who are using these substances to grow themselves in this shamanic sort of way versus people who are just taking these substances and then watching cartoon reruns or going out with their friends to a club or doing something like this right it's a totally different experience and in fact I'm shocked because I read the trip reports of people who use these substances recreationally and I'm shocked at the difference that I feel the profound insights that I'm able to get and then the shallow insights and the shallow results that they're able to get even though we're taking the exact same substances how can that be well the intention and why you're doing it the reasons you're doing this are very important of course your your level of development and your level of emotional maturity and also your commitment to to metaphysical understanding is very important I get a sense that a lot of people who take psychedelics don't really have a deep thirst for metaphysical understanding they just don't care about the truth so of course what they experience ends up being pretty weak or even if it's very strong they can't make sense of it so anyways at 4 p.m. I consumed orally 150 micrograms of al-lat on a half empty stomach now al-abbas sounds kind of weird you probably haven't heard of the psychedelic before what is al lat it's an LSD analogue so it's similar to LSD but it has some different characteristics firstly it has a shorter duration it lasts for about eight to ten hours really the peak of it lasts for six hours and it starts to taper off after six hours into 8 and 10 hours even 12 hours but LSD tends to last even longer so has a shorter duration it's supposed to be more visual than LSD which is pretty interesting because if you know anything about LSD that's that's reputed to be a very vision psychedelics this is more visual it's also less mind [ __ ] mind [ __ ] is a term they use in psychedelic community basically to refer to how seriously and how deeply will this take you into like shattering your metaphysical foundations and understanding of what reality is al add is supposed to really be a party drug it's not supposed to get you any deep spiritual connection with reality but you know I'm testing this out and I just want to see what it's like I wanted to find a lighter psychedelic something that's not so heavy on the mind and actually two weeks prior to taking this 150 microgram dose I tested out half a dose I took 775 micrograms which is half a dose and I had a great trip it was very pleasant and very joyful and it did feel sore like a party drug I was just testing it out and the first test went successfully which is exactly how you should consume new substances that you've never tried is you try a very small dose it's not enough to you know trip your balls out but it's enough to make sure that you're comfortable and you don't scare yourself as a large dose so here I'm doubling the dose to basically what's called a common dose it's still not a super high dose so I consume it at 4 p.m. and then what I do is I have a new ritual now with psychedelics because last the last mushroom trip that I had was right after a break through five mio trip and that mushroom trip was so horrifying and so challenging it was such a deep mind [ __ ] that it was really challenging for me to integrate it to understand it and it really kind of put me off of psychedelics for a while I almost had to take a couple of months off because it was just like I was I was taking them too frequently I wasn't integrating enough so I slowed my pace down and so my new process here is now after that mushroom trip and some of the really heavy five mio trips I actually get anxiety whenever I take a psychedelic like my hands start to shake I'm nervous I have these you know pre pre trip jitters and then as soon as I take the substance I'm always in the back little thing like did I do the right thing here am I going to be in a world of pain for the next eight to ten hours and so that creates anxiety and of course this is a problem with like a ton so psychedelics reflect all your thoughts back in on themselves so if you're starting to feel like oh [ __ ] I screwed something up like you know I'm afraid now and I have all these fears and all these negative thoughts running through my mind that's going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy and you will actually create the bad trip you're trying to avoid or that you're afraid of so to combat this what I discovered and I discover this with my girlfriend a couple months back when she was trying some mushrooms is what we did is we boosted her state because she started getting afraid and I didn't want her to freak out I want to have a pleasant experience there was only just one gram of mushrooms so what we did is I made her dance I just blasted on some fun music some kind of Dancy type of pop music some just you know cheap pop music basically and then we just danced for a good 20 minutes and just got our bodies moving and singing and dancing and doing silly things like this just to build up our state and then by the time you do that the substance starts to come up and now you're trying to feel the effects but that you know it usually takes about 30 minutes for a substance to start to really take effect on you if you took it on our mostly empty stomach and you don't want to spend those 30 minutes just sitting there on your couch worrying with negative thoughts you know 30 minutes of negative thoughts that will that will put you in a bad position for once you really start to feel the effects of the substance so I did this by myself I just blasted some good music and I just danced and danced and danced for good 20 minutes and then after that I started to ease into the experience and by about 45 minutes I started to feel the effects it was really coming on and I was getting into it and I shut off the music and I just kind of crashed on my couch in my living room I was in my living room basically the whole time for the duration of this trip and the thing that you start to feel with a el-ad is this amazing body high your body just starts to feel delicious it just feels so good to be in your body you become so present and in the moment with your body and you get these like enhanced tactile sensations everything you touch just feels so delicious and velvety and luxuriant and then you get this like ecstasy kind of going through your body by ecstasy I don't mean the drug ecstasy I mean that the emotion of ecstasy but it's a mild form of body ecstasy if you want true ecstasy you need a 5ml breakthrough that will give you true ecstasy which is the actual being one with God but here is just kind of a mild body ecstasy and for me this is a significant point because I've been struggling for the past like five years of my life ride I just not been feeling right in my body I've been kind of having fatigue and cold hands and feet and and just like feeling like I don't belong in my body just not feeling fully comfortable and I've actually been going to doctors and I've been getting some coaching on this to try to figure out what the problem is maybe it's my diet I've been changing my diet maybe it's some chemical imbalance I've been getting some blood work and working on that but still like nothing has been clicking for me but when I take al Ladd the most amazing thing is I start to feel like my body is finally clicking and it's working and it's feeling the way it should always feel of course I mean it feels a lot better than it would normally feel but it also shows me kind of a preview of what I could work myself towards see personal development when you start to get into the advanced stage of the personal development it's not about what you can have what you can why or how much money you can make thought about that those things are shallow and they're really not fulfilling what becomes fulfilling is how you can make yourself feel how much vitality and energy can you have how can you interact with other people in a free-flowing an effortless manner how can you start to feel like your entire life is this magical beautiful divine phenomenon that's what it becomes about that's really what's amazing that's really what you want out of life so the AL ad puts me in touch with that especially physically in my body and I start to get this incredible sense of presence and being where I get whisked out of my logistical reality and by logistical reality what I mean is that most of my week and your week and in fact most of my life and most of your life is logistical reality your mind is always busy thinking two steps ahead like what should I do tomorrow and what am I going to do later today and what about that email I have to send and you know what about paying my electricity bill on time and and what about this problem there what about answering this email and what about my boss and what about my spouse and what about answering that text message so you're in this logistical mode of operating that's your entire consciousness is so absorbed in that that you don't even know there's an alternative well you take a L ad or maybe some others like a deli and it really connects you with being with being and this is a very simple thing but man is it powerful it's worth way more than all the emails and all the bills you pay and all the stuff you do at work and all the other stupid stuff you do throughout your day and throughout your week it's worth way more than that and people sometimes asking you Leo being use this word being what is being mean describe it to me or tell me what you mean it's really hard because this is something you need to have a direct experience of which is why these psychedelics to be very powerful tools because how is someone supposed to explain being to you it's being you have to be it to know it it's hard to explain it's really hard to put into words I'll come back to that in a minute so anyways I'm in this incredible sense of presence and being and it also what's nice about does it give you a preview of where you should be going with your meditation practices because when you're struggling and you're sitting there meditating for months on end and you're struggling to calm your monkey down mind down and then here all the sudden within a couple of hours on the substance you are given a sort of like the ideal of what you're shooting for and all the time you're like oh yeah that's what I'm doing all that meditation to reach that point right there and I personally find that invaluable in shaping and catalyzing my meditation practices once I'm out of the trip so anyways I mean it's an incredible sense of presence and being my thoughts dream does something very interesting with it it becomes very very slow and steady and just kind of forceful it gives you this sense of intellectual power because my thought stream becomes like molasses whereas usually it's monkey mind my mind is kind of all over the place and the thought stream is sort of dispersed into a million different directions here it's like a laser beam and I can almost shine it or focus it on any topic that I want to think about like I could think about a relationship or I could think about some topic I want to cover for actualize org or I can think about reality or I could think about something I learned from some book that I read and all of a sudden the mind becomes this hyper connected a super integrated super intuitive machine which just like interconnects all the dots about that particular issue and you just like see right through it it's the most remarkable phenomenon because it's not like you're visually seeing something you're not seeing unicorns and dancing monkeys and stuff it's not that kind of psychedelic I'm sure maybe at higher doses you can get there but here what I'm talking about is just this sort of like the way the thought stream changes it's how your consciousness sort of focuses in or dilates in a very interesting way which you've probably never experienced in your entire life until you've been on this kind of substance before unless you've been and then then you know what I'm talking about and this remarkable thing on a I'll add that I notice is just this effortless genius level of creativity comes over me especially early on and trip just like everything creative becomes easy I'm just like my mind is just filling with ideas the most brilliant ideas ideas that would rival the most brilliant ideas of mankind right and they just come to me you really get the sense this feeling that creativity is not a human capacity it's really a divine capacity it's like though you you come in contact with the Fountainhead of the muse that is fueling your creative work throughout everyday life usually the bandwidth that you can handle in everyday life if you're doing some creative like music art movies writing anything like that your bandwidth is like this wide and your muse tries to like put ideas in there but there's only so much bandwidth really it's it's such a bottleneck but with Al a deer just like it which opens up monumentally orders of magnitude to the point where you feel like a creative genius and if you sit there with a notebook you can write pages and pages and pages and pages of the most remarkable stuff of course also it's sort of state dependent so when you come back out of the trip and you look at your notes they might not be as creative as you originally thought because some of the stuff you realize is so hard to put into symbolic form into verbal word form that you really have to cultivate the consciousness and not just write down the ideas so that's the trick also when I feel is I feel a brain fuzz so physically the sensation is almost like I have a bit of a head cold like there's this kind of fuzzy feeling to my entire skull and it feels a little bit weird you might think it's kind of uncomfortable but because you have this beautiful body high and you're feeling ecstasy and warmth throughout your entire body and your thoughts are doing these amazing beautiful things and you're experiencing this sense of consciousness that you probably haven't experienced since you were a child the head fuzz really is not a not a big deterrent now al add is supposed to be very visual what I've discovered so far on these dosages which is a pretty pretty decent dose here is that I get very little visuals almost no visuals about as much as I would get on mushrooms even probably less which surprised me because most people talk about al add having more visuals than LSD but that's not a problem because of all the other amazing stuff that you experience here I do understand why people talk about this as sort of a party drug because it's very very mellow and smooth it comes up very smooth there's no nausea there's no discomfort at least for me I don't know how to for other people but I'm just talking about what I experienced it's just like positivity all the way if you were going to do a psychedelic for your first time I would definitely recommend that you do something that would give you a positive experience rather than freak the hell out of you and this looks like a pretty good candidate so I'm whisked out of logistical reality I'm not seeing any crazy visuals but my mind is just very very conscious and I'm very connected with the beauty of being just everything becomes so beautiful light becomes beautiful the plants in my living room become beautiful to couch the carpet the most mundane things become beautiful and creativity you really connect with the source of creativity in this very beautiful fashion it almost feels like you're being absorbed into the presence of the goddess of creativity it's an amazing thing especially if you're someone that's artistically minded and really values creativity as much as I do and then what slowly starts to happen hour to an hour three into my trip is that I go deeper and deeper and deeper and really much deeper than I thought that I would go on this trip I was assuming this was just going to be more or less just sort of a fun free going sort of trip I wasn't really expecting some deep spiritual work to happen here but what ended up happening for me is that years of intellectual knowledge years of insights that I talk with you about through all my videos really got realized and made tangible in the flesh during the next couple of hours and I have some mind-blowing insights which I have had previously on various other trips and also not on trips just through meditation and contemplation and self inquiry but I got new perspectives and I felt like I got a sense of completion with these insights because I really saw them in I had enough time to really be not just catch a glimpse of the insight but really get like into the guts of it and really understand it at deep level so here are some of the insights that I had firstly is the insight be of the beauty of being and just how much I miss my connection with being in everyday life and how important that is to me so the power of that insight was that it is service to change the values and the priorities of what I pursue in everyday life talk about that more as we go on also another important insight was the ineffability of being a lot of my work is trying to communicate some of the beautiful and profound truths the metaphysical existential truths that are possible for you to become conscious of the most advanced aspects of personal development I try to communicate that with words with metaphors with clever phrasing I try to get you to do the work the personal development work to lay your foundation so that you can move to it I try to program you with a vision for that so that you have something to look forward to in your work but the beauty and profundity that I was experiencing here was so remarkable that I actually gave up trying to verbalize it trying to symbolize it after about an hour and a half into the trip I just I realized this is so profound and so beautiful I'm speechless I could spend the next couple of hours trying to write it all down in meticulous detail on a notepad and that would actually detract me from the trip going deeper into the trip or I could just surrender to it and enjoy it and then all that I would have to tell you is you know what experience it for yourself because if I spend a hundred videos describing it to you and describing all these insights to you it would not be anywhere near the power of actually experiencing it that's what I call the ineffability of being what that requires from you is to hear my words and then to say okay this guy's trying to talk about something that seems that's pretty profound and pretty beautiful because he's pretty passionate about it and but she's not describing it in a way that I can really my mind can't latch on to it and that's right your mind can't latch on to it but see the important thing is that what most people do when they hear that efficient all yeah that's beautiful that's nice and they forget about it they go back into their old routine will chew out an Uzi I say okay I got to actually lay the foundation build the infrastructure to work towards having that experience of being that's being pointed out here see so that's something that's on you I'm trying to share the vision with you but you know what after a certain point the things that are possible to become conscious of are so extraordinary in this world that they cannot be described with words with symbols with speech and that's what I experienced that's what you need to experience because this experience when you experience it will transform the entire trajectory of your future life everything everything will change this is not a little hallucination this is a lot deeper than that the next insight I had and this was extraordinary I got a deep deep deep understanding and appreciation of something called context context what is context I became conscious of the fact that my entire personal life my existence as a human being all my models of reality of what we even think life is that all of this is a construe option that can only exist and feel real when it's taken out of the larger context right so here's how I can describe context right now you're sitting there and you actually believe that you're a human being who has a personal private life and that you've been living this life for the last 20 or 30 years of your life let's say from the point you were born you have a personal story of stuff that's happened to you and that feels like it's you that feels like reality that feels unquestionable if I was to come to you and to say hey you know what you never lived at all you were never born this universe that you think you're in what do you think you think you're on a planet you think you're sitting on a planet in the middle of empty dark space orbiting a Sun which is part of a Milky Way galaxy which is part of a larger galaxy cluster which is part of some universe that came out of some Big Bang that entire that whole thing is of story I'm serious that whole thing is a story imagine for a second that all of that is sort of context it's a sort of framework and that everything else that you know about life everything else that you ever hear from me or you read in the book or you hear someone talking about or you talk about on on TV or with or you talk with your friends on about or you see on TV that any new information you get will be put into this context of I'm a human being I have a life I was born into a family and I live in a universe it's a physical universe and I'm part of the human species living on this solid mass of Earth rotating around the Sun and that that is what reality is but actually that's a story and what this psychedelic can do for you is it can reveal to you that that's a story by showing you a new context and the context the new context that you will see is the context of nothingness so when you experience nothingness cosmic nothingness you start to see that your life and this entire reality that we consider the scientific hard physical tangible reality the reality of science studies that all of this is a very limited facet of reality and it only makes sense when you forget about the larger context this is such a crazy and mind-blowing thing to realize that there's just almost no way that you're going to realize this without without a deep conscious breakthrough either with a psychedelic or some some really deep meditative work you're not going to see this context this context is consuming it's just all consuming the entire context for your life is your life you actually think that you're stuck in your life that there's a birth of death to your life you actually believe that and as I'm standing here I'll be honest I believe that too because right now my level of consciousness is low I've fallen out of the very deep level of consciousness that I was at when I experienced some of these insights but I do retain the understanding of what I saw and now you might say well leo but what you saw was just a hallucination just a chemical of coursing through your brain no you see brain is a context you actually have a story in your mind that says that all of this reality is happening in your brain you have a story that tells you you have a brain you understand it that's a context and that you interpret everything I say through that context unwittingly completely on window you take all this for granted you don't even have an inkling of a clue of what context really means because you've actually never consciously exited the context and seeing the larger perspective when you see the larger perspective it puts in the proper context the little context that you currently think and call reality and in this larger context the brain it's not the primary thing Newton's laws they're not the primary thing history humanity all the social structures of humanity has constructed science all these things fly out the window like they never even mattered like they're just figments like they're just like something Airy and intangible like I don't know like cotton candy okay like cotton candy just melts when you stick your tongue on it so going on with this this was starting to get to the peak of my experience about three hours into it I became deeply conscious that everything in reality is groundless there is no ground for anything and it's a little hard to describe to you what that means precisely how would I describe it groundlessness every object is groundless you might think like well but you know Leo aren't we standing right now on the earth so that's sort of a grounding no because where is the what is the earth grounded upon you might say well it's sort of grounded upon like the vacuum of empty space but what's the vacuum of empty space ground upon what's a space grounded upon space itself is a context time is a context you see you actually believe that things are happening in time and in space these things will be revealed to you as empty contexts minor context there's a larger context that we that's context of nothing you start to see that everything is made of nothing that reality is a collection of surfaces surface after surface after service after surface but every surface ends ultimately in nothing and you might say well Leo how do you know that the amazing thing that becomes possible with these psychedelics is that your mind literally taps into infinite perspective capacity you can actually have a stream of thoughts that goes through to infinity so it's an incense what you can do is you can sort of logically think about a thing like you can look at your hand and you can think about and you can think like oh this is my hand and it's made of cells and what are those cells may have oh well like molecules and what are those that are like atoms and one of those that as all well some strings or something but you can see through all of that you can see through all the scientific paradigms that you have all those are sort of melt away and your mind just looks through all of it and it gets to the rock bottom of what there is which is nothing you see that your hand is made of nothing and you look around the room and you see that the whole room is that enough and then your your brain and yourself just sort of spills out through your skull and there is no more you anymore this was ego death so I experienced this ego death I was very surprised that I was able to experience ego death on such a relatively small dose of sort of a party psychedelic but you have to understand that I've had some breakthroughs with five Meo which have shaped all my other psychedelic experiences that I have from now on you have to also understand that I've been metaphysically inquiring to the nature of reality for a long a long time and now my intent is very strong about this I really care about knowing what reality is on an existential level not to manipulate it but just for the sake of knowing it I actually care about truth people that don't care about this well they'll probably need a massive dose of psychedelics to experience ego death and maybe not even then and even if they do experience a when you understand what they're experiencing they again they won't have a a deeper context to put it in I've been studying this stuff for years so when I see something in my psychedelic experience I know exactly what that is I'm like oh yeah that's there you go Devin right there that's nothing that's right there that's infinity right there that's context that's some other thing that I read about that's something else that's something oh yeah of course that's what the Buddhists talk about that's what the Hindus talk about that's what the shamans talk about oh yeah that's what Carlos Castaneda was talking about oh yeah that's what this happened this reduce all interconnects like it's all very transparent it's amazing so anyways I have this ego death and it's just sort of like I spill out my sense of self spills out from inside me as it were I mean there's nothing inside me but it's just sort of it feels like you're spilling out into the space in front of you and you sort of become the space but the space is hollow it's just surfaces right you can take one object cut it in half there's just more surfaces cut that in half more surfaces more services more services you can keep cutting objects in half for to infinity and all you'll get is just surfaces and in the end the deep truth there is that the services are afloat in a sea of nothingness this nothingness is the the consciousness or the substance that makes up all of reality reality is not made out of molecules it's made out of nothingness that's the substance this nothingness is conscious and aware it's what renders all of reality your brain is not rendering reality your mind is not rendering reality your body is not rendering reality that's just sort of a limited illusion which quickly gets shattered once your context expands and then a really amazing thing that I have stumbled upon I this was just extraordinary was that I had a realization that my my sense of reality God disrupted so much that I realized four in a flash I realized that there is no difference between an Enlightenment and insanity and that what we call reality is just a set of conventions if a set of convention is a specific dilation of consciousness sort of like you have a radio station and you can tune to different frequencies and there might be a hundred different frequencies well what we call reality the stuff that science studies the stuff you learn about in physics and math class and then chemistry and biology what that is that's one band on an entire spectrum one band which is wise trying struggles with consciousness work and science struggles to understand and make sense of some of these spiritual truths because science is committed to this one band it's a consensus reality it's not a physical reality its consensus reality and let me describe what I mean by insanity so here's the thing when I had my deep sort of horrifying traumatizing mushroom trip which happened after my big massive fight amel breakthrough the reason the mushroom trip was so horrifying was because I reached a point at the peak of that trip where I realized that I felt like I was going insane and totally losing all sense of reality like imagine for a moment if you stopped believing that you're a human being like for real you stopped believing your human being you stopped believing that reality is real that it exists you stopped believing in history you stopped believing you were born you stopped believing that you came out of your mother's vagina you stopped believing your parents you stopped believing that you have a life you stopped believing in death you stopped believing in physical science when that kind of degree of mind-blowing that hits you your ego is going to recoil in horror because it will feel like you've gone insane because here's the fear it's good you're good you're going to come up with this sort of doubt where it seems like wait a minute have I completely just lost all sense of reality I don't believe in reality anymore I don't believe in reality more you laugh at reality it becomes so insubstantial courses the problem for you because you spent your whole life really buying into reality so this is a this is very jarring for your mind and your mind realizes wait a minute I'm going insane I'm actually going insane this is not a joke wait a minute like I am going insane and when you're in these psychedelic experiences they tend to be very forceful and you're so present in the moment that you might believe that you're insane forever it might feel to you like wait a minute now this is just how it's going to be I'm gonna be insane it feels like you can't even there's no common reference point with with anyone in your life anymore you can't talk to your parents anymore it's like nothing will make sense imagine coming up to your parents and saying that reality doesn't exist they don't exist and you don't exist and that there's no death of course they would they would think you're crazy but imagine if you actually believed that that was real that might be scary to you because you might care about how they perceive you and this fear of insanity will probably push you back into consensus reality and what you'll do and when I read a lot of people in their strip reports what they experienced that I think they reach the brink of insanity but then they're not willing to actually accept it as truth and they step back into consensus reality and that insanity horrifies them because they actually think that if they go past the edge that they will go insane now maybe they will I don't know for me I don't go insane but I have so during my first mushroom that deep mushroom trip not it was my first it was my first after five meal during a mushroom trip the reason was so horrifying was because I hit that brink of insanity and it horrified me so much that I I fell back into consensus reality and because the mushrooms are so goddamn twisted then I didn't know what it was exactly I just knew some scary and saying [ __ ] and so I fell back and I resisted it here on a el-ad my thoughts were clear and I've grown in the last six months since that trip I've grown a lot and I've worked through some of my fears and basically what I did is I said you know [ __ ] it if I'm going insane I'm going insane and I surrender to the insanity and I actually felt like I was insane and that that was it that there was no coming back that no one would ever understand me and I realized that that's really what what enlightenment is is you you completely lose all sense of reality what you would call conventional reality with the average person on the street calls reality that's it it's gone it's never coming back like it's that [ __ ] deep is that mind shattering and of course you can see why this terrifies you so much sometimes people on the forum post questions like well I've been self inquiring in self inquiry or meditating and sometimes I have this deep existential terror that comes up yeah of course of course because you're on a journey to become insane now of course you're going to be insanely functional which means you will be insane but you will be fully functional after enlightenment in fact you'll be more functional than the average person what you have to understand is that insanity is also a social convention and insanity is also a context a funny thing happens when you become insane actually breakthrough insanity and go beyond and sanity what I call Beyond insanity when you go beyond insanity you realize that actually you kind of go on full circle black stars into white light turns into black up turns into down down turns into up left turns into right and right turns into left so what the conventional mind calls insanity turns into sanity and the conventional mind which we call sanity becomes insanity and that's a pretty cool insight to have I was really pleased that I was able to break through that and to really get a full understanding of this insanity issue because I sell like I failed to have that insight during the mushroom trip and here it actually clicked for me that was amazing and then after that you know once you become insane everything is fine it's not a problem you just realize that you can't communicate this verbally to people that's why we call it non symbolic non symbolic experience and that's why everything actualized uttereth teaches you is really pathetic all my words all my fancy insights all the labor I go through to to record all these notes and to to study all these books and then to come up here and to explain all this stuff in hour-long episodes I mean this is what's insanity really it's insanity because this stuff is so shallow and so just like it pales in comparison to non-symbolic experience of higher consciousness you are a new reality you are a new universe paradigms that you couldn't even imagine were shattered and it's ineffable its wordless incredible the this is advanced personal developments were set so I experienced that and then the last deep insight that I had was I started to experience tastes of the infinite sort of like I did on five mal but not as strong and I remember I was standing in my in my bathroom had to go to be standing my bathroom and I just sort of realize this entire room that I'm standing in is afloat in a sea of nothingness it doesn't exist I don't exist reality doesn't exist reality is not real and I felt this weird it's hard to describe this weird feeling of like I was standing inside of an Escher painting MC Escher he paints those weird twisted uh sorta like geometrical paintings of rooms that have like different dimensions being depicted simultaneously like the room is being seen final taste from different angles that's what I felt like that's what it Finity sort of feels like to me it's almost like I can see myself and the room and all of reality from a multitude of angles simultaneously and it's not a visual phenomenon so much as it's just consciousness that your consciousness becomes aware of infinity and there are various degrees of this so I had a taste of that and it just like totally blew my mind I loved it tasting infinity it's maddening for sure if you are not a metaphysical junky it will freak the [ __ ] out of you probably and that's why some people report some really horrific trips I think because they're not ready for this stuff but if you love this stuff if you're philosophically minded if you really want to get to the truth of what life is what humanity is what spirituality is what personal development is all about what consciousness is what enlightenment is you'll love this stuff it's amazing it's amazing and there's really nothing to be afraid of so the amazing thing with psychedelics is that you can work to any fears you have you have bad trips that's stuff that needs to be purged that's stuff that needs to be worked on that's not something that's bad about psychedelics those are the psychedelics revealing in you the impurities the spiritual impurities that you have I've been working quite hard over the last six months on many of my spiritual impurities with the help of psychedelics of course vitae meal helped me a lot there made me a lot more loving in in ways that would be impossible without side amel and I can tell you that definitely it has prepared me for this smooth trip that I had here in the depth of this trip if I gave this al ad to you to an average person who doesn't meditate doesn't self inquire is an interested in philosophy or metaphysics just study personal development doesn't do any consciousness work has it worked for years on his fears and anxieties has it worked on becoming more loving doesn't understand what reality is about even in in theory when learning practice doesn't understand notions of like unconditional love and raising consciousness and so forth doesn't and has never heard it off such things as contacts and paradigm shifts and all these sorts of things what they would do is they would take the substance they would go watch some cartoons they would drink some beer they would smoke some weed they would maybe have some fun or maybe have some horrific memories come up from their childhood or whatever if they were bad they would want to run away from them they maybe might go driving with their friends around the city and just have fun and laugh and do all this kind of stupid [ __ ] and then they would come back into ordinary reality and they would think that they had a fun time and it was just a cool thing that they did with their friends over the weekend but that is a totally different thing than what I experienced here just like night and day night and day you have to realize that the the psychedelic really is your mind reflecting in on itself so the quality of mind that you bring to it makes an enormous difference Norma's difference the placebo effect the self fulfil prophecy effect is huge here so really matters and that was my trip lasted for about six to eight hours in full strikes Menace or quickly tapered off after there and by about ten to twelve hours I was back let me talk about some of the lasting effects I had from this trip that was some of the peak stuff that I experienced a lot of that is difficult to bring back so even though I'm talking about it here I'm not directly in contact with that sort of consciousness right now as I'm standing here in my everyday life but there have been some important lasting effects firstly is that I really got a deep meaningful understanding and I think I surrendered to the notion that words and analysis is pointless it's really futile when you're doing consciousness work I saw just how little my words and my analysis and my logical understanding and my my reading of all this stuff really is now all that said it's still important because again it creates the foundation once you have the foundation then it's very easy to say oh yeah all the words and analysis and all the book-reading all that is pointless but see if I didn't have that my whole trip would have probably gone in a very different direction so it's not pointless in that sense it's pointless in the sense that once you've climbed to the top of the building then you can throw away the ladder in that sort of sense and also in the sense that for me when I'm finding my balance between theory and practice what this trip communicated to me was that I don't need as much Theory anymore I've got a lot of theory I've got years of theory now what I need is I need a lot more direct consciousness practice and that really resonates with me in a powerful way because I knew that already but I knew it on a theoretical level and now what happened is that I knew it on a practical level and that makes all the difference because the practical level is where you get your that's where your live transport I also have the deep realization that I really have no desire for consensus reality I cross that threshold of insanity and I made my peace with it and now that I'm back I I feel lighter I feel lighter in that I'm not taking reality as seriously anymore and it feels like that's something that's kind of that's soaked through into my everyday life I have less need to please people I feel like I have less need to to want to achieve stuff in this consensus reality because I can see the illusion of it and also how deeply on fulfilling consensus reality is compared to being compared to higher consciousness states also other lasting effect was I fell a deep shift in my core values and what I felt was that I'm really starting to get a thirst for deep consciousness work like this is on a very practical and not just on a theoretical intellectual sort of idealistic level but on a very practical level it feels like this is my new purpose my purpose is evolving and that my purpose is starting to move away from a career centered purpose from revolving around actualized org and really just getting to the existential metaphysical nature of reality because it's just so goddamn fulfilling and it's so amazing and then everything else just pales in comparison to that and so one of the consequences of this shift in my values and priorities is that I'm working more now on that my life is changing how I live why pursuing my goals are changing and I'm cleaning a lot less to materialism I'm less concerned about success business success earning money that sort of stuff that's that's all falling by the wayside in a very uh palpable way I've gotten a lot more serious about my meditation practice and spending more time meditating and doing it deeper and taking you more serious and really putting my intent into it because now I'm becoming really passionate about it because once you start to feel these effects meditation it's no longer just you sitting on a couch relaxing it's really something extraordinary every time you sit down to meditate you have the possibility of actually changing all of reality not just to relax and blossom Steve but to change the very structure of reality that's an amazing place to get to that makes me very excited makes me very glad that I started to meditate 3 or 4 years ago whatever I did I can't remember anymore also I felt a difference in my body energy I always generally feel this chronic fatigue I don't feel comfortable my by like I said before but something shifted in me where I kind of got in touch with it it's almost like the AL ad showed me how my body is supposed to feel and now I sort of carried over some of that and I even feel it right now as I'm standing here so that's actually been a very remarkable thing because that's something I've been struggling with for a long time been going to doctors and stuff so forth for that and it actually feels like psychedelics could have potential to to cure chronic fatigue which is an interesting Avenue for curing chronic fatigue that I haven't seen discussed anywhere else we should not to say that they will cure all chronic fatigue I'm not saying that at all say that might be a possibility for me because chronic fatigue tends to be a very complicated and messy situation a lot of different causes that are involved it I also saw as one of my takeaways I saw just how much I am still caught in monkey mind throughout the day and how much my monkey mind prevents me from being and how much it puts me into the logistical materialistic world and that that needs to stop and I'm going to work really hard over the next year to put that to an end because that is a that's going to be a huge transformation in the quality of my life and how I relate to to everything in in this reality is when I am able to tame that monkey mind for real and I'm really motivated to work harder towards that one of the traps I fall into because my work is very conceptual I come up here I analyze stuff is that I get caught in monkey mind very easily it's hard to shut off the conceptual mind there's an addiction to it and that was revealed to me I generally have a very deep sense of peace now after the whole experience because I feel like I sort of faced death I've overcame it i sell-- I faced my fear of insanity a lot of fears were sort of faced but they weren't very fearful the trip overall was 99% positive there was very little fear I never felt like I was out of control with my mind or anything like that I felt like everything just all the obstacles sort of melted before me and you know maybe in other trips it won't be that way I'm sure there will be more fears that come up but for now I felt like some fears were vanquished in a permanent manner or at least reduced and I feel a lighter in everyday life and also I feel like I'm more open now to my life unfolding in a natural way and going wherever it's going to go without needing to micromanage it and to worry about the way I tend to worry about it thinking about like oil in my future you know next year I need to do this and then I need to do this and get in relation amazing get married and have kids and this and that and all this planning all these logistics and when you really get deeply in touch with being in with consciousness you let that stuff go you just say you know what it's more fun more interesting just to see where life takes me and I think that's a very healthy thing at least for me some of you need more structure in your life I probably need less okay so let's quickly talk about what are the lessons here for you I talked about my lessons your lessons are that psychedelics are a powerful tool when used properly extremely powerful don't let people fool you don't let government propaganda and other people's stupid trip reports written by [ __ ] teenagers who don't know what they're doing who are using these psychedelics while watching cartoons while they're stoned and drunk don't let all those experiences tarnish these beautiful substances their potential is extraordinary extraordinary one solid deep trip on one of these substances is worth a hundred of my videos I'm not kidding all this talking that I do it's just not getting through to you that's one of my deepest frustrations with this work is that the things that I really know that have experienced I can never communicate to you ever ever that's why I just wish I could just like stick some LSD into your mouth because it'll do a whole lot better job explaining things than I ever had will some other lessons for you is that a el-ad is an excellent newbie psychedelic I've been looking for a while now for psychedelic that can be used to introduce newbies this needs to be a mild psychedelic that's mellow that's consistent that's easy to dose doesn't have complicated instructions doesn't have complicated smoking methods and procedures that people get wrong especially newbies which isn't traumatic and doesn't have too big of a mindfuck well I think laal lad is a really excellent in that regard also al ed is excellent as a post five Meo breakthrough companion psychedelic so after you've had your major fight Emil breakthrough or maybe you have a breakthrough on some other psychedelics like DMT or something else al that is beautiful because it gives you a long time to sit there and have sort of relive the peak experiences but not have them be so strong but relive them in a more sustainable way and actually integrate them deeper into your life which matters a lot so I think that's a very powerful combo that can be experimented with I don't here's a don't underestimate party drugs people who use drugs to party they don't know what they're missing just because it's a party drug doesn't mean you can't have egodeath on it doesn't mean you can't use it for very deep spiritual work because clearly I was this was one of my this was one of the trips that I took that has got me the most just I felt practical growth the five Emil trips were incredible and they also got me practical growth but here I felt like I integrated so much stuff because it was just the right amount of power and lengths and mellowness so all that stuff matters I would caution you not to use these substances more than once a week give yourself plenty of time for integration I really learned from this experience that integration is so critical and then ideally if you're going to be tripping on Saturday spend the entire next day on Sunday just silently contemplating and meditating journaling and integrating the experience don't be rushing back to work it's not very good you're you're losing most of the growth most of the growth happens when you come back down to earth into this consensus reality and now you have to live here and do all the ordinary stuff if you want to transform this reality you need a bridge the bridge is the integration period spend time on that if you really care about using these substances for growth not just for recreation or just to get your kicks also another lesson for you here is that intentions are extremely important why are you doing this what do you want out of your trip and purifying yourself is very important or you actually doing the hard work in your everyday life to make your trips as powerful as possible are you spending months in meditation journaling contemplating visualizing working on yourself laying the infrastructure and all of that stuff honing your intent in tendance it's not something like okay I'm going to take a second out today so I'm just going to have an intent for it to be a nice trip that's not intent what I'm talking about is that you spent a month before you take the psychedelic you spent building the intent a deep desire for for what for accessing some metaphysical truths are for healing some aspect of yourself or for understanding something that shows that you're doing this with a seriousness in the sort of Carlos Castaneda donjuan vein if you have read the Carlos Castaneda books which I recommend you read study them very closely they're especially valuable to read if you're the experimenting with psychedelics and you really care about using them in a shamanistic sort of way because you can see there that Don Juan guides Carlos Castaneda and tells him all these important principles about how the psychedelics are used to actually grow yourself to transform yourself see he has a lot of rituals around how we used the psychedelics they give themselves a lot of time before and after the trip they talk about everything alright carlos lehder writes everything down it's all analyzed it's connected with the other theory and frameworks that they have so when you do your psychedelic trips connected to the stuff that I talked about connected to the stuff you've read in also spirituality books that's where this stuff really gets juicy your results will completely depend on the kind of seriousness and intent that you put into this work you're going to get what you give alright that's it kind of long but there's a lot to cover here so Einstein please click like button for me post your comments down below share this episode with a friend and lastly come check out actualize that world right here my website is a forum their life purpose courses they're my recommended books list is their my new blog is there I'm posting new stuff on my blog go check it out it's got a lot of spiritual and psychedelic related topics and I'm going to keep pumping stuff out that's going to be very eye-opening and very interesting stuff that I can't share with my videos but sponsor the newsletter and just stick around actualize that org make a commitment that this is not just a video you watch this is your commitment to self-actualize you have the vision to transform yourself you know that it's possible you see people talking about it you and to that there's something deeper for you in life that there's something deeper to reality and that you're willing to put your money where your mouth is and roll up your sleeves and get to work and the most important thing that you need to work on especially if you resonated with this topic is your mindfulness ability build your foundation for mindfulness because the future topics that I talked about the advanced topics the stuff I've been talking about here you're not gonna understand any of this without a deep foundation of mindfulness start building and I have a video called mindfulness meditation go search for it find it wash it a couple of times start practicing it this is the number one soft infrastructure that you can build for the advanced work mindfulness practice mindfulness practice is not some airy-fairy wofully new-age word it's a specific set of techniques that actually develops your ability to have awareness of your sensational field your feelings your emotions your sights and sounds so you can deconstruct them all so you can see what's happening in real time in a way that you've never imagined possible this takes work this takes years of practice start building it now and I'll see you soon with more advanced topics you